Life Tip Tuesday

I read the book, Boundaries (one of my recommended resources for anyone and everyone) a couple years before I started therapy. A close friend and I read through and discussed it together, chapter by chapter. It was very enlightening, and I believe it put me in the right mindset to discover what I did in therapy.

It was in going through this book, that I first began to realize the troubles in a few of my relationships (with both family and friends). I also realized that I was a pushover without boundaries, and that was a big contributor to my stress and anxiety. I needed to start standing up for myself.

Just like with anything else, there was a learning curve where I initially overcompensated. Unfortunately, I lost a couple friends because of it. But, I think perhaps, that is just an indicator that our relationship was not as close as I thought. Today, I feel much more confident in my ability to respectfully express my needs and things I am not comfortable with.

Boundaries are really about respect. First, for those like me, respect for yourself. We all have our unique limits and needs; these shouldn’t be ignored. If you need emotional support or time alone, voice that to people. No matter how well you know someone, neither of you can read the others mind.

Second, respect for other people. Boundaries are not about controlling other people; they are about communicating. They should not be used to manipulate others to do what you want them to, but rather to protect yourself. Someone who consistently crosses or pushes your boundary after being expressly told about it (for example, “Please don’t pressure me into drinking; I want to be sober.”) is someone you may need to distance yourself from, particularly if you’re new to setting boundaries.

Enforcing boundaries is hard work, but it can result in healthier, closer relationships. It can also help identify relationships that need to be “put on pause” because of the emotional drain. In addition to therapy, the more I limited my interactions with those who had a difficult time respecting my boundaries, the more my anxiety improved.

Takeaways for Today:

• Boundaries are not an act of anger, but an aspect of healthy relationships

• A lack of boundaries can contribute to anxiety

• Setting and enforcing boundaries is a skill that takes practice

• A lack of boundaries can be connected to a lack of respect

• Make sure you have a support system when you start setting boundaries